Top Funny Facebook Status Updates
Here are some of the funniest I’ve seen so far. Some of them I’ve used myself 
John finds a good question is like a miniskirt. Long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep everyone interested.
seen on profile
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Jane is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
John just got a compliment – there was a note on the windshield saying “Parking Fine”.
Jane used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
John found out light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Jane is cl.e’a]ni.ng he’r ke]yb28o|a;rd
John: Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Jane found out her library book ’successful time management’ is weeks overdue….
John: ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP*
Jane: ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star…point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆
John: Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Jane thinks of herself in 3rd person since joining Facebook
John ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
Jane ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorised reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.
John finds automatic doors makes him feel like a Jedi
Jane: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
John would like to point out that 72.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Jane: okay who’s the wise guy putting all the W’s in the M ‘n’ M’s bag?
John says, “before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, so when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
Jane says: Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter ur yahoo til u google all over my facebook?
John is worried – he figured out he’s developed the ability to turn off his alarm clock while asleep.
Jane says we could merge My Space, Facebook, You Tube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT
John says, “I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.”
Jane says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!
John knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words…
Jane says, “children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children”
John says ⓜⓨ ⓟⓞⓢⓣⓢ ©ⓐⓝ ⓣⓨⓟⓔ ©ⓘⓡ©ⓛⓔⓢ ⓐⓡⓞⓤⓝⓓ ⓨⓞⓤⓡⓢ
Jane started time traveling next year
John says Dyslexics are teople poo
Jane is upset she mixed up her voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks!
John: Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, it is the purest form of art. Discuss.
Jane needs a giant ( ̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅ ̲̅]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅ ) to mend a broken heart